June is just around the corner, and you know what that means! Gay Days at Disney parks. It’s the one time all the homos get to join together and celebrate their homo-iness with the characters and storylines that probably put them in the closet to begin with. Okay, so maybe some little boys see the handsome Prince Charming, with his beautiful smile and chiseled body, and think “I want to be like him.” But, there are a handful of other little boys that just want to be with him.
However, some people aren’t as excited about the Gays flocking to their Mecca. Here’s what the Florida Family Association (FFA) had to say:
How would you feel if you entered the Magic Kingdom anticipating a normal day of fun with your family only to witness thousands of same-sex couples holding hands, hugging, kissing and wearing tee-shirts that promoted their lifestyle? One Gay Day patron’s comments best describes their goal ‘We need to be seen in the heart of America’s playground.’ It appears from the behavior of Gay Day patrons that they were more intent on being seen rather than seeing Disney World. Just like activists’ attempts to gain access to youthful minds through LGBT characters in video games they also want to impact a captured audience of tens of thousands of children during the first Saturday of Summer Break.”
Okay, first of all FFA, if you don’t want your kids to see gay people, DON’T TAKE THEM TO DISNEY WORLD!!! It doesn’t matter if it’s Gay Days or not, we’re attracted to anything Disney like bees to the hive, like moths to a flame. At least on Gay Days the homosexuals are clearly marked, so you can make sure your kids don’t start talking to one of them and accidentally “catch the gay” or “become open-minded.” In fact, if you really want to confuse your children and set them back several decades by nurturing them into embarrassingly small-minded hate-raving bigots, I’d say the best time to go to Disney World is during Gay Days. You will be able to simultaneously allow your little ones to fag it up on rides with spontaneous animatronic musical numbers (some rides have multiple!) while also pointing out all the red-shirted abominations who’ll soon be suffering eternal damnation. Well shoot, you’ll be surrounded by so many flamers you might actually feel like you’re already there with them!
The saddest thing about this whole protest is that the Florida Family Association has only been able to raise $4100 in support. Let’s say that each participating family gave a $20 donation, that’s only 205 families. There are more dead meth addicts getting eaten by alligators at the bottom of the Everglades than there are people willing to donate to this stupid cause. This seems strange, since you’d think there’d be a lot of old conservatives willing to throw a dime at any organization with the world “Family” in the title. Well FFA, it’s probably because you want to blow the money on the GAYEST PROTEST IDEA EVER. (Now, at this point I’m using the term “gay” in the 8th grade sense. As in “stupid,” or “lame,” or “what the fuck is wrong with you, seriously?” I’m allowed to say this, because I am gay. Like how black people reclaimed the N word. That doesn’t mean you get to say it too, Straight White Person.)
The Florida Family Association wants to fly a plane with a banner warning people who are headed towards the park to stay away during Gay Days. If this doesn’t seem like the dumbest thing ever to you, let’s put it into context:
You’re a white trash conservative parent with a few missing teeth and a freezer full of Hot Pockets. You’ve just sold the last of your methamphetamines to your illiterate neighbor, and you’ve worked hard and shot enough squirrels to get you through dinner for the next couple days, which means you have a free day! With the extra cash from the drug sales, you decide to take your kids to Disney World. You’re youngest, Gus, collects all the High School Musical happy meal toys, and your oldest, Bubba, is 27 but ate way to many paint chips as a child from gnawing on the walls of your trailer home (probably, in all honesty, to try and find a way out), and unfortunately the severe lead poisoning gave him the mental capacity of a four year old, which is just below the high school graduation requirement. So now you’re stuck with him.
You and your spouse round up the chillun and toss them in the back of your 1984 Dodge Caravan (the one with the fancy exterior wood paneling), siphon off a few extra gallons of gas from your neighbor’s tractor mower, and you’re off to the Happiest Place on Earth! Gus can hardly sit still. It’s while he’s singing all the Disney show tunes and trying to teach Bubba the choreographed dance moves — even though all Bubba can seem to do on command is drool and not not defecate — that you see it. A plane overhead, with a banner exclaiming:
Fags! Gay Day at Disney 6/2/12.”
A rush of horror washes over both you and your spouse. The Homosexual Agenda is at it again! You turn the van around smack-dab in the middle of the highway. “Sorry, kids. Looks like we’re heading home.” Gus freaks out. “BUT DADDY!!” He screams, with his adorable manly lisp. “I wanted to sthee Fantasthmic! And go on The Little Mermaid Ride and sthing with Ariel!!” He’s so furious he’s flaming, and Bubba is so upset that he’s drooling and shitting himself even more than usual. Seriously, how many squirrels does that kid eat? But it’s not your fault. The gays ruin everything. Even the gayest– uh, Happiest Place on Earth.
Are you fucking kidding me? You’re gonna waste the measly $4100 you managed to raise for the dumbest cause imaginable so you can fly around an airplane with a banner warning potential patrons that there will be gay people at Disney World? God Damn, Florida. Between Trayvon and this, you’re really starting to sound like a stupid, backwards place.
(Here’s a link to the inspiring article.)