25 days later already, and here I am back in sunny Southern California. It seems like I blinked and my trip to Thailand was over. How does time go by so quickly?! What’s next? I blink and my kids are all grown up?! But they were such precious children! I’m afraid of blinking.
I thought I would update this while in Phuket, but the combination of beach, drink, touristing (not to be confused with touring), and being a lazy asshole prevented me from coming anywhere near my blog for a month. I thought about it, I promise. I came this close to posting a story about how I lost my underpants in the Andaman Sea while skinny dipping in the middle of the night, but then decided my time would be better spent excavating sand out of places that, unbeknownst to me, are part of the human anatomy.
I’m gonna miss those underpants. They’re black and white checkered trunks from H&M. So, if you’re ever strolling along the Pacific coastline in the near to distant future and happen upon some washed up skivvies matching that description, please stay far, far away from them. Hey, fair warning.
Besides losing my beloved drawers, the trip was an overall success! I only got one sunburn, which is quite impressive considering I’m a red-headed ginger freak of nature. And I got that sunburn on Maya Beach in the Phi Phi islands (humorously pronounced Pee Pee) because I passed out face-first in the sand after an hour-long boat ride in which I was battling a mild stomach bug and focusing all of my attention on not barfing and shitting my pants at the same time on a speedboat with two dozen strangers out in the middle of the ocean. I succeeded, but such high levels of sharp mental concentration really wiped me out. (I’d compare it to taking the SATs or seeing a midget in real life and using every ounce of restraint you have to not go up and pet it.) However, considering Maya Beach is where they shot the film The Beach and is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been, I thought of my sunburn as a souvenir, and was sad to see it peel away.
I also didn’t want to have any food taboos while I was visiting abroad, so I dropped my strict vegetarian elitism and lived off the food of the common folk for a month. And although this may have contributed to my stomach ailments, it was totally worth it, because it allowed me to enjoy such exotic Asian delicacies as BBQ skewers and cheeseburgers with fries. I was even brave enough to try a Chicken McNugget, which all the local Australian tourists raved about while drunk at three in the morning. They ordered them as a Happy Meal that came with a Thai “Lady-Boy” and was served in a bucket, which could be used to catch your McVomit after you finished your meal.
Between petting tigers, elephant trekking, zip-lining, canoeing, gorging, skinny-dipping, snorkeling, sunbathing, clubbing, crocodile shows, witnessing spontaneous street-side transvestite performances, and being groped by masseuses trying to lure me into their dingy massage parlors for the $6 special, I’d say Thailand was quite the experience. However, I wouldn’t say it was life-changing, but rather, more life-affirming. I was right in prohibiting chicken McNugs from my diet. Those things are disgusting. You can taste the death.