Who made up that term, anyway? Anyone who has seen a pair of balls would never describe them as being “hot.” Dangly, hairy, wrinkly, musty, ticklish, foreign, pickled, disgusting… but not “hot.”
Let’s Wiki that shit, shall we? It is, of course, of the utmost priority that we solve this little mystery before we use the term out loud at a party and some stupid idiot calls us out on it. “What does that even mean, ‘hot as balls?’ Testicles in general are unattractive, and when they overheat the scrotum descends in order to regulate temperature. This is sort of a biological courtesy as to not render you infertile. So your balls should never really be ‘hot’ to begin with. Lukewarm, maybe.” Hey, Bill Nye, it’s just an expression. And that vegetable medley party platter you brought to this pathetic excuse for a shindig? It blows. I hate everything about you. Suck my temperature-regulating ball sack.
Whew, I feel better. Where were we?
Okay, so Wikipedia was a fail. Someone should really get on that. I guess I’ll have to refer to Urban Dictionary, which really does come in quite handy when questions like this arise. The first definition is intriguing: “About 97 degrees Fahrenheit. Unlike, say, ‘hot as hell’ or ‘scorching hot,’ this expression is actually fairly precise, since the temperature of one’s balls is carefully regulated by the scrotum to maintain a high sperm count.” So apparently, according to Urb-Dics, 97 degrees is the precise moment when the scrotum is like “fuck this” and goes on a saggy vacation. Don’t call, don’t text. If it’s an emergency, you can probably reach your balls on either of your inner thighs, to where they have no doubt retreated.
Although this definition is helpful, I’m not sure it is scientifically accurate, and I also don’t like how technical it is. If it’s 98 degrees, does that mean it’s “hotter than balls?” At which point does it become “my balls have heat stroke” or “it’s sperm-boilingly hot in here?” It’s really too much to think about.
Moving along, the next definition is when “it is hot enough that your balls will sag and potentially stick to your leg.” While this is both revealing and disturbing, it is still a little too technical for my tastes. Example:
PERSON W/O BALLS: “Mac, is it hot as balls in here?”
PERSON W/O BALLS: “Now?”
PERSON W/O BALLS: Now?”
It takes what is a common phrase and specifies it to a point where only men w/ Asperger’s can use it. And that’s just not fair. I’ve heard countless people use the phrase, and I’m positive that some of them did not have Asperger’s. Or balls. I’m pretty sure they all had legs, though.
Definition three: “A phrase often used in Newfoundland to describe beautiful women.” The example given is: “That bitch is hot as balls.” Although I’ve never heard it used this way before, the example strikes my fancy doubly, not only in how it uses derogatory language towards women, but also in how it uses a homoerotic comparison to describe the bitch’s beauty. People from Newfoundland are weird!
In conclusion, and to bring us full circle, it is still very unclear what the term “hot as balls” means, and where it originated (although Newfoundland is my best guess). But in LA this past week, it’s been hot as motherfucking balls. If it gets any hotter I’m gonna have to scrape them off the sidewalk!
(I’d also like to point out that even though this blog was about male genitalia, it reads as one of my least gay posts. Although, the idea as a whole that I would even consider writing an entire blog about testicles is in fact pretty flaming. So, dammit.)