my freaking. awesome. life.

I’m having trouble starting this blog with something witty in order to disguise the fact that I’m going to be complaining about things other people do for the next several paragraphs, so I’m not going to. I’m going to be honest. For the next several paragraphs I’m going to complain about insignificant things other people do that shouldn’t bother me.

Here we go!

1. Not Replacing the Toilet Paper Roll. This one is bothersome for a couple reasons. First of all, it’s just plain inconsiderate. If you happen to finish the roll, don’t assume that the toilet is now retired. Other people will in fact sit down at that same porcelain thrown. Deuces will be dropped. Be nice, and make sure they’re not left paperless. Because that’s just the worst. The second reason is that I don’t believe in miracles, and coincidences don’t happen that often. By this I mean there is no way you just happened to finish cleaning yourself as the roll ended. Either you’ve sold your soul to the devil, or you’re being lazy and practicing poor hygiene. Ew.
2. Putting the Toilet Paper Roll On Upside Down. Yes, I know. Another bathroom-specific pet peeve. But this one needs to be made public. It is an unwritten rule that the paper should flow out from the top, not the bottom. Otherwise, the paper could potentially unravel all over the floor. There, now we all know.
3. Talking to Me While I’m Using the Bathroom. Let’s just get these ones out of the way. Don’t talk to me. It’s gross. I don’t care if there’s a fire in the  building. If you talk to me while I’m in the bathroom I will ignore you. And I will judge you.
4. People That Think They Are Funny But They Are Not So I Have to Fake Laugh And Kill Part of My Soul. This is particularly peevey at small gatherings, when everyone around you sees you laughing at the dumbass d-bag who isn’t funny. So now it looks like I think you’re funny in front of these people because I laughed at your flaccid penis of a joke. Stop hurting my sense of humor’s reputation and go tell your jokes to the wall. Then, once you’re finished, slam your head against said wall. If anything, that might provoke some real laughs.
5. People that Defend Sarah Palin. This is me beating around the bush rather than just saying that I don’t like Republicans.
6. People that Casually Throw Out Derogatory Words. Don’t use the N word. It makes everyone uncomfortable. I don’t care if you are African American and you’re reclaiming the word. First of all, I thought the goal was to break down barriers that separate minorities. By using the N word but not allowing other people to say it, you’re adding more bricks to the same wall. I don’t go around calling other people “fags.” Who knows, maybe in 100 years it might be the cool thing to do if you’re gay. But still, just because it’s trendy doesn’t mean it’s okay. Just like $12 hamburgers or cashew “cheese.”
7. People Who Get Mad in the Concessions Line at Movie Theaters and Start Yelling Profanity at the Staff. Oh, I’m sorry it’s the midnight showing of that Christopher Nolan movie everybody wants to see. You’re right, the army of theater employees who are trying to herd hundreds of idiots into dark rooms should pay more attention to you and your pre-diabetic cravings. The worst part is, all of us around you were doing a great job holding in our aggression, and now we have to decide if we want to defend the poor theater workers or participate in your popcorn riot. Thanks for putting us all in an awkward spot. The movie is ruined.

So there’s my list! I love hearing what other people hate, so leave a comment! That’s right, I’m talking to you, faithful followers! Both of you! (Sorry for swearing, Mom.) (Yes, Dad. I still have my day job.)

Tags: bathroom, blog, fake laugh, humor, movies, pet peeves, Sarah Palin, toilet paper, writing

This entry was posted on July 5, 2011 at 3:28 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.