How come nobody rates critics? That’s just not fair. Here comes the revolution!
For Cars 2:
- “The rare sequel that improves on its predecessor, this lightning-paced caper-comedy shifts the franchise into high gear with international intrigue, spy-movie spoofery and more automotive puns than you can shake a stickshift at…” -Justin Chang, Variety
Really, Justin Chang? Well, I give your review a D. Turns out, if you found the one automotive pun Cars 2 didn’t use, then it’s probably stupid. Also, Cars 2 sucks, and Variety usually hates everything, so this positive review is off-putting and makes me uncomfortable.
- “How fucking sad this movie is.” -Rob Humanick, Projection Booth
A+, Rob. Concise, simple, and explicit. Claps to you.
For Mr. Popper’s Penguins:
- “The director, Mark Waters, moves things briskly along and lets the charming absurdity of penguin behavior rise to its inherently good-natured heights.” -Bruce Diones, New Yorker
Why would you recommend this movie, Bruce? We all saw the trailer. And none of us cared. It’s a recession. Tell people to save their money, go to the library, and read the book for free. Or, better yet (since reading is awful), go back a good 17 years and watch Jim Carrey w/ various critters in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (no, not the sequel where he’s birthed from a mechanical rhino’s asshole). At least that movie doesn’t play animal favorites. C
For Transformers: Dark of the Moon
- “It’s a momentous achievement and it will make untold amounts of money and you should see it even though it’s hateful and empty and preaches the worst kind of reactionary violence without even really meaning it.” -Andrew O’Hehir, Salon.com
Talk about mixed signals. Perhaps all the explosions and fire and 3D melted your brain a little, Mr. O’Hehir. But I give you some props. You still hated on Michael Bay a little. B-
For Beyonce’s new album, 4:
- “Beyoncé is such a force of nature that it’s easy to overlook her trump card: She’s a bit of a weirdo. Not a weirdo like her stiffest competition, Lady Gaga. (Wearing sirloin to an awards show isn’t B’s style.) Her weirdness is musical – it’s in the idiosyncratic way she syncopates her vocals, the odd melodies she floats over rugged beats, her sui generis mix of rap bravado, gospel sanctimony and old-fashioned showbiz razzle-dazzle.” -Jody Rosen, Rolling Stone
I’m not exactly sure what you’re saying, Jody. But it sounds right, and you used the term “razzle-dazzle.” Hard to hate on that. B+